Dont Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Thing First)
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You also become insecure when he wants to make love to you. Or you just struggle to open up to him. BUT, instead of blaming him and arguing, just be calm and let the storm pass. If he values privacy in certain areas, observe it. Evaluate yourself regularly to ensure you are improving and are moving forward internally and externally. Prove you are committed — S tay with him mentally, physically, and intimately no matter what. He wants someone who can challenge him in all kinds of ways, such as challenging him to change or be better, challenging him to keep your interest etc… This keeps him glued to you, instead of having him interested in other women.
Remember that honesty is accepted, and even if it hurts its temporary…but lies are REJECTED, and is permanent pain, because they take away his trust in you. Maybe his spontaneity is exciting, since you tend to live by an itinerary. Maybe her willingness to ditch responsibilities for a mental health day is refreshing, when you've typically worked even when you have the flu.
From different spending styles to different social lives to vastly different sleep schedules, careers, or hobbies, the idea of someone being opposite from us is sometimes particularly attractive in its novelty and exoticism.
Some of them aren't fun to think about, but they're crucial to know.
But eventually, our own habits may remain what we're most comfortable with — and if our partner's style continues to be quite different, what used to be enticing may turn downright annoying. What's your partner like when they're stuck in traffic? When they've had a bad performance review? When they haven't had enough sleep, when their parent has a health scare, when they get an exorbitant parking ticket, or when they have to call customer service for a defective product?
Often the rosy period of early romance has everyone restraining themselves to be on their best behavior. This makes the early romance sweeter, of course, but it denies us a glimpse into who they are when they're under pressure. And decades of marriage and life, in general, can bring plenty of pressure. Even more important is how the two of you handle stress together — do you retreat and isolate, or connect to resolve things as a team?
What is my partner's relationship to drugs , alcohol, and gambling?
Sure, problems with substance abuse and gambling can crop up unexpectedly in a marriage, as we sometimes see when new casinos come to town. But all too often, the signs of potential problems with alcoholism or addiction were there along, but were willfully not talked about or even acknowledged — perhaps out of fear or denial.
Or maybe what seems reasonable for a young, childless couple in terms of partying and drinking no longer seems reasonable with two toddlers underfoot, and yet one partner can't seem to change their lifestyle. Take a hard look at your partner's — and your own — relationship with substances. As much as you might want to ignore potential problems, it is invariably true that the earlier they are addressed, the better chance there is that they can be dealt with successfully. But, I would argue that getting along as roommates — though not sufficient for a marriage — is still vital and necessary. How well do you compromise about what the temperature should be?
How do your sleep schedules work out? How do you resolve issues about cleanliness, decorating styles, chores, guests, pets , and food preparation? Who takes responsibility for the bills or finding a plumber when your toilet has leaked all over the place? Virtually everyone would acknowledge that opinions about whether or not to have kids should be openly discussed and clarified before getting married.
But you may be surprised how often this becomes an issue anyway, because of one important and often overlooked phenomenon: It's important not just to discuss your preferences, but to assess how much wiggle room you each have. If each of you vaguely imagines having two children, that might sound like you're perfectly compatible on that score. But what if after one child, one of you absolutely wants to stop?
Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things
What happens if infertility is an issue — how hard will you continue to try, and how do you feel about adoption? What happens if one person still has the itch for more children after the second one? What happens if one person unexpectedly wants to be a stay-at-home parent? It's important to dig deeper. Few people outline ground rules about how much "private business" should be spread to other friends and family when they are first dating. And this is a good thing, as keeping strong emotional intimacy with friends and family can provide a safety valve for those that are in a controlling relationship not to mention provide endless entertainment with stories of dating that are good, bad, or ugly.
But once married, lots of people's expectations change. Will you consider it a betrayal if your wife spills everything about your sexual intimacy problems to her best friend? Are you okay with a husband who asks his mother for marital advice? There is no right answer about how much to share with friends and family, but the more you are on the same page, the better off — and less blindsided — you will be.
Decades of marriage and family research have shown one indisputable truth: Have you gotten in the habit of a certain type of arguing? Does one of you stonewall the other? Is one of you always the first to apologize? Does one person express their feelings and the other holds them in until resentment builds? Is one of you prone to yelling and getting it all out in the moment, while the other person wants space to cool down before talking things through?
In general, the healthiest marriages have respectful and honest communication without game-playing, passive-aggressiveness, personal attacks, or power trips. Examine your styles of handling conflicts and see if there is room for improvement. Any marital therapist will tell you: You need not experience rapturous admiration for your spouse's family though if you do, how lucky you are! What if your partner has a very conflicted relationship with her parents , but you find them hilarious and harmless? What if your husband wants to still spend two week's annual vacation with his brothers' families, and you can't stand their politics?
What role will your in-laws have in your potential children's lives? What happens as your spouse's parents age and need care? What happens if they need to borrow money — or instead they give you an amount that changes your dynamic?
Often, the planning of the wedding itself is the first arena where inter-family squabbles develop. Don't brush it off, but take it as an opportunity for practice. I cannot tell you how often I have worked with someone whose marriage is falling apart, and they say, "Well, she's always been kind of selfish, but I thought it would get better after having kids" or "He's never been a responsible person with money, but I figured once we owned a home he would grow up.
Maybe they will, but the motivation has to come from them, not you. And if you choose to marry someone, you must choose to take them as they are, end of story — without fooling yourself that there are conditions that will eventually be met. How compatible are we in our money styles, and how will we handle finances once married? I have written and spoken about money issues in relationships — and the conflicts they can cause — so much, because they seem to be among the very top ways that a marriage can be strained.
- Don’t Get Married Yet If Your Partner Does These 9 Things | HuffPost.
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From different spending styles to how big a house to buy, from different attitudes about debt and "retail therapy " to hidden accounts, childhood baggage, and differing expectations about how much should be lent to friends and family and even how much to tip the refrigerator delivery guy, money conflicts can be killer to deal with. Money is often tied up with all kinds of emotional importance, and it can carry the weight of its association with everything from freedom to security to autonomy to power and status.
The more you talk about it, and the more honest you are with yourselves and each other about what you bring to the table in terms of your money attitudes and how they will be resolved, the better foundation you build in your marriage. It's not traditionally thought of as one of the hot buttons of marriage, and yet I see it causing conflict all the time.
From big ways — he is used to four or five hours of golf on weekends, or she wants to continue to occasionally go on weekend getaways alone — to small ones — she needs 10 minutes of pre-coffee silence in the morning, or he likes to work out by himself, not with her. There is a wide variance in how much time people need to themselves or with their friends.
So, how well do your styles fit together? Big differences can be accommodated if there is respect and understanding and communication. But if it's never talked about, then two years into the marriage when he is still on his weekly guys' night out, and she is frustrated to be home alone with Netflix, because she always assumed he'd eventually give those nights up once he got married, that could spell resentment that could become serious. Bickering over household chores once married has become a cliche, but it couldn't be more real for many couples. Unfortunately, even couples who have a comfortable division of responsibility pre-marriage can often be thrown into resentful conflicts once circumstances change: The addition of a baby, a change in a partner's job or commute, or a bigger house with new types of maintenance needed.
I also see that in many heterosexual marriages, gender stereotypes when it comes to divvying up housework may gradually seep in after the wedding, even if they weren't there when the couple first lived together. There will be conflicts over chores; count on it. But how will you continue to work on it? How well do you communicate about them? Will you be able to have an evolving dialogue that takes into account both people's preferences and annoyances in terms of divvying up responsibilities?
And if one person falls into the role of the "default" parent the person who is always on top of the birthday cards and dentist appointments , are they okay with being that person? How stuck are we in each of our jobs, and what would happen if we got fired or wanted to leave? Layoffs, promotions, pay cuts, job transfers, firings, burnout , corporate mergers — they can all change a person's employment status in the blink of an eye.
Is there one partner whose job is "dominant" — by salary, by prestige, by passion, or by amount of hours worked? What would happen if that person no longer had that job, voluntarily or involuntarily?
18 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married | Psychology Today
Are there expectations about who will make more money, who will or will not stay home with children, who will eventually get promoted or go to graduate school or change careers? Of course, nothing can be spelled out completely clearly in advance. But the more you can acknowledge what your expectations are, what you hope for, and how you would handle a change in plans, the better you will be able to roll with the punches if the need should arise to do so. How okay am I with my partner's closeness to others, and when might I think of it as an emotional affair?
Styles of flirtation , emotional intimacy levels with coworkers, modes of communication with friends, amount of work travel, or tendency to go to lunch or happy hours with people — they all vary widely among individuals.