Somewhere She Is There
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Not seen as more than objects of our periodic celebrations. I also think your closing line about deaths of this life is right on the money.
- Silo (ROMANS, NOUVELL) (French Edition).
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Like Liked by 2 people. God continuously calls me to listen deeply — one of the reasons I became certified as a spiritual director recently. Rogers — he really and truly valued the thoughts and feeling of children, and modeled a way for the rest of us. Like Liked by 1 person. You are commenting using your WordPress.
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Notify me of new posts via email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. About this Blog Why Look Back? Truth connecting the dots of my life. August 1, at Somewhere she waits — Telling the Truth.. August 1, at 1: The damnable woman had figured out before she had that their relationship ceased being casual a long time ago.
Ruby is no consolation prize. I would have been perfectly happy to take her off your hands. Truth be told, I still would. I'd keep her, too. And I think you know why. Regina did know why, which is the only reason she didn't roast Emma right there on the spot. The truth was, and still is, that Ruby's love is the second greatest gift she's ever been given, with the first obviously being her son. Anyway, after she got back to the mansion with Ruby, the proceeding screaming match got a lot of things out into the open.
Some of those things were feelings Regina hadn't even been aware flared back to life inside her sometime between then and that first time she seduced Ruby after hours at the diner. Ruby's confession that she was head-over-heels in love with Regina was not nearly as surprising as Regina's own similar admission. She hadn't said the words, of course, but the sentiment was there as she described how irrational she'd felt at the idea of losing Ruby.
That it was to Emma was merely the highly volatile catalyst for self-examination and the unthinkable variable that prompted her to finish out calculating the equation her heart had been scribbling over the past twenty-five years. The sum total was that she was, indeed, in love with her leggy brunette waitress. Regrettably it took a long time for her to work up the courage to tell Ruby that in so many words.
Between Emma breaking the Curse after Henry accidentally ingested the tainted apple she'd had Jefferson fetch from the past for future security and the fallout that resulted in her mother's infiltration of Storybrooke, there wasn't a lot of time for grand romantic gestures. Thankfully Ruby didn't make a fuss over Regina's emotional retardation. She was happy as a lark just being publicly acknowledged as her girlfriend.
That wasn't enough for Regina, though. Strangely, she found herself yearning for more. And every time she thought about how patient Ruby had been with her, she couldn't help but conclude that Ruby deserved more. And that thought inevitably led her down a path fraught with bitter, traumatizing memories. Marriage was a touchy subject for her after enduring Leopold's unforgivable ignorance of her daily suffering.
To get over her jaded opinion of that particular institution, she'd spent a lot of time in counseling with Archie. That, and she found a best friend in Emma that all the powers of a seer's prognostication could not have predicted.
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Emma provided a surprisingly adept sounding board that got her through a lot of the prickly issues with commitment that kept her from proposing. Also, Emma's occasional reminders she was waiting in the wings to scoop Ruby up should Regina fuck it all up were a kick in the ass to take therapy all the more seriously.
Two years ago next month she popped the question. On Christmas morning of all things. The only thing brighter than the tree topper she was shamelessly manipulated into buying by two sets of pleading eyes — one brown and one emerald — was Ruby's incandescent smile. She'll never forget it, or how good it made her feel to have made the woman she loves so happy. They were married in an intimate July ceremony on the beach with a few select handfuls of friends and family. The location was Ruby's idea, and it was a wonderful one.
The sun had shone more brilliant than ever and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Feeling the warm sand between her toes as they shared their first dance only emphasized the idyllic nature of that most sacred day. It was one of the best of her life, ranking up there with the day she brought Henry home. Six months later, she can't imagine ever going back to way things were. Being a wife to someone who truly loves and cherishes her is a night and day difference to what it was like with her former husband.
Their relationship isn't perfect by any means, but it is perfect for them.
Their separate cogs may seem mismatched from an outside perspective, but when fitted together they work in astonishing harmony. The result is that Regina is more fulfilled and at peace than at any other time in her life. Bottom lip tucked beneath her teeth, Regina argues with herself whether or not to give in to the very appealing temptation to seek out her wife's comfort. That's why she came downstairs, after all.
Tossing and turning for an hour and a half with no reprieve in sight from her overactive brain left her on the verge of screaming, so she'd thrown the covers off, annoyed at herself, and tip-toed downstairs still in her pajamas in search of relief. That there is an alternative method of curing her ill rather than disturb Ruby and Henry has occurred to her. It's just she can't seem to convince her legs to move toward the kitchen to fetch the newly refilled bottle of pills she neglected to take upstairs. There hadn't seemed a need to resort to such drastic measures with Ruby back home.
Only Henry surprised them by coming home a day early, and now that he is enjoying his ritual bonding time with his step-mother, she feels wretched at the prospect of cutting it short.
Whether playing video games, watching sports or cheesy movies that rot the brain, or chit chatting about various topics of mutual interest, the hours between Regina retiring upstairs — where she would power through a bit of paperwork in her office or read in bed a while — and the clock striking midnight belong to Ruby and Henry. Their special connection is important to her. In a lot of ways, Ruby is Henry's best friend.
He values her counsel in ways he doesn't his mothers, which hurts somewhat until she reminds herself that he needs someone to confide in who has never changed his poopy diapers. Out of respect for that, she tries not to intrude on their bonding time unless invited, which to be fair happens often enough that she never feels left out. Sadly, she hadn't felt like watching more than two innings of the baseball playoffs, so she excused herself during a commercial break.
An hour of reading affordable housing proposals later, she was having so much trouble distinguishing individual words that she gave up and decided to go to bed early. Unfortunately, her brain did not get the memo. By the time she was done brushing her teeth, washing her face, and changing clothes, she was wide awake again. Never one to surrender without a fight, she forced herself to crawl under the covers. The battle was lost before it even began. It was one of those nights where she replayed her worst moments over and over again.
When the reel of her every childhood tragedy came around to Daniel's death, it got maddeningly stuck. As if that were not bad enough, the more times that singular trauma replayed in her head, the less Daniel looked like Daniel. Eventually, as if keying in to some subconscious fear, she started envisioning her mother ripping Ruby's heart out and crushing it right in front of her face. And she was helpless to stop it all over again. Normally when she's like this, she takes a sleeping pill and grabs a book to numb her brain with until it turns off enough for her to mercifully pass out.
Tonight, though, she doesn't think she can hold out for the medication to take effect. The subject matter tormenting her every time she closes her eyes is too much for her to deal with, and that this has been happening way too much lately only serves to complicate matters. This current bout of insomnia started when Ruby took a week long trip to New York with Emma. Storybrooke is rapidly modernizing now that the barrier was permanently passable for citizens, and thus it has become necessary for the Sheriff's Department to keep up.
Emma finally had the excuse she had been looking for to call up an old friend of hers in the FBI and arrange some specialized training in computer forensics. She then had the gall to sweet talk Ruby into going with her. Something about a road trip being a required rite of passage for every American that Ruby should not be denied just because, quote, her wife is a boring old stick in the mud. It wasn't ideal that Ruby would be away so long so soon after their marriage, but Regina tried to be understanding. Ruby had been really excited about the opportunity to see more of the world they now called home.
Like a puppy who'd been given a new chew toy, she just couldn't get enough information about the Big Apple. She devoured more articles on New York's various historical sites and underworld attractions over the span of three weeks than most full residents were aware existed after a lifetime living there.
But how could she deny Ruby the chance to stretch her traveling legs again and to indulge that nomadic, adventurous side that she had so long suppressed to be a good friend and even better wife? To do so would not only confirm the worst assessments of her character by her detractors, that she was a possessive, controlling bitch who didn't care about anyone else's dreams but her own.
And that wasn't true. Ruby's dreams mattered to her, she was just irrationally resistant to change.
Even a temporary one. But because she loved Ruby too damn much to say no even if she wanted to, she extended her full support, much to Ruby's joy. Her reward that memorable night was almost enough to stave off the dread of the coming week long separation. As brave as she wanted to be and as good as it made her feel to do something selfless for her wife, that first night alone was utter hell.
She didn't sleep a wink, just laid there so frustrated that tears wet her cheeks until she gave up trying around three am. The endless streams of tedious paperwork that accompany being mayor didn't help batter her mind into submission either. Not even a double dose of her prescribed insomnia medication.
The second night went much the same. By the third night, she was almost manically desperate, so she finally caved and called Ruby the second she curled up under the covers. Thankfully her wife is as patient as she is compassionate. Each night over the rest of that week was spent exactly the same way, on the phone with Ruby until she fell asleep with the line still open.
The problem is that the insomnia is still flaring up even a month after Ruby came back home. The issue at hand is that normally Ruby is by her side to help her through the frustration that accompanies being unable to sleep like a normal, functioning human being. She knows very well that even though her wife being unable to see her from her perch on the couch doesn't mean she can't smell her.
Sadly her current crisis made her forget that important tidbit. Might as well come tell me what's bothering you. Regina deflates a bit more than she already was before showing herself. Ruby and Henry's worried gazes boring into her are perfectly mirrored. She's being ridiculous right now, and that only makes her angry. I'll take care of it. For a wolf, Ruby sure can move with the grace and stealth of a cat. Already got it recording. Behold the wonders of the DVR. We can pick back up tomorrow night.
Regina flushes with embarrassment, not only that she's having to humiliate herself with her wife, but that her son has a front row seat to her weakness. She hates being vulnerable at any time, but more so around Henry. It was that same prideful refusal to be anything but impervious that nearly cost her his trust forever.
It was fear of losing him that made her act so rashly when he got hold of the storybook and then again when Emma waltzed up to her front door pretty as she pleased with her stupid princess curls and ridiculous cheek bones and her obnoxious Snow White jawline. Most of the poor decisions Regina made since the Curse broke have been related to hiding her troubles from Henry, which is why she isn't so quick to deny she is having them anymore when that is exactly what she wants to do. Archie has helped her to see, with his saintly patience, that not only is it unhealthy for her and for her relationship with her son to refrain from letting him see her softer underbelly, but she's learned the hard way for herself these past few years that Henry can handle just about anything that gets thrown his way.
The boy is nothing if not resilient. Let's go upstairs and get you all tucked in. Regina wrenches away from her, snarling. In spite of all that hard work in therapy, she is still susceptible to reverting to form.
Somewhere She Waits
I don't need to be tucked in. Ruby's responding smile would be beatific if not for the fact Regina knows her too well. She can see the lines at the corners of her eyes and the sharp glint in her eyes that says she's getting close to her own limit. Regina rolls her eyes, unable to help herself now.
Care to condescend some more? This time Ruby doesn't bother to disguise her annoyance. Stop being difficult, woman, and come to bed with me. Regina's obstinance doesn't last long with both Ruby and Henry staring at her expectantly. Lead the way, Miss Bossy Pants. Scrubbing a hand over his five o'clock shadow, Henry groans at their antics. It's in the unwritten rules that I have to stay up late. Otherwise I lose all credibility.
Ruby already spoils Henry rotten, the last thing he needs is her encouraging such bohemian behavior. Wounded by the jagged barb, Ruby subconsciously shifts away from her. It's the second sign Regina catches that tells her she needs to tread cautiously. In all her years, she's come across precious few individuals in any world that she does not scare. Ruby is one of them. Like with the first warning, though, she ignores it. She's too far gone now to give an inch. Regina bristles with offense, not caring at all that their verbal altercation has a captive audience.
Riled up as she is, she pays no attention to Henry's deer in the headlights expression. This isn't the first time he's seen them argue in front of him, but it's never been so raw or vicious. She's built up a full head of steam, though, and won't be deterred, even if that means her son has to witness the resurrection of the nasty side of her he so loathes. Normally when she and Ruby fight, they keep it behind closed doors and out of earshot. Aside from her intensely private nature, the problems in their relationship — few yet significant as they are — are no one's business besides their own.
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Imagine how the always active Storybrooke rumor mill would churn up a frothing torrent of gossip if they found out the First Couple bickered as regularly about their income disparity as they do about Regina's continual refusal to let Snow White off the hook for getting Daniel killed. Ruby is as strong willed and opinionated a woman as she is, and unlike most of the simpletons who still cower at the sight of her shadow, is utterly fearless when standing up to her.
Which happens more than Regina would prefer if she is being honest with herself. She hasn't murdered anyone since Graham, but her temper is still just as volcanic and her tongue every bit a sharpened double-edged sword. One night she'll be wielding it to wrench orgasms out of Ruby until she's reduced to nothing but a quivering, incoherent mess, while the next she'll be biting Ruby's head off for tracking mud through the kitchen because she forgot to shift back to two legs before coming in from her Wolf's Time run.
The problem isn't that Ruby is unaware of what she signed up for getting involved with a woman more apt to burn bridges than admit she is in the wrong. It's that she does. In fact, by her own admission, Regina's combative attitude is a turn on. Tirades that used to send servants scurrying to the four corners of the Dark Palace tend to make Ruby's pretty green eyes dilate with lust. When Regina picks a fight on purpose, needing to ventilate her rage lest she explode, Ruby doesn't run or back away a single step.
She stands tall and imposing, right up in Regina's face, daring her to lash out physically because for anyone short of Hercules, it is virtually impossible to overpower Ruby. She takes the slaps to her jaw with a relish that spurs Regina's aggression from a violent track straight over to a passionate one.
Theirs is a tempestuous partnership whose mountainous highs are matched by its abyssal lows. They both thrive on extremes, and it makes for a relationship without a dull moment. You declined each offer with as much venom as you're using right now. Ruby scoffs derisively as her hands find purchase on her hips. Stance widening as if in preparation for battle, her eyes flash with lupine danger that sends a thrill down Regina's spine.
I sure as hell don't. We've been together thirty fucking years, and half the town still thinks I'm only with you for the money. The unexpressed part of that admittedly accurate diatribe is that the other half of the citizenry remains split between opinions. On one side are the folks to whom magic — especially the dark variant — is a boogeyman they wished had never been let back into their lives.
People like Albert Spencer, aka King George, who still hatefully glares at Regina and Rumple as if imaging them tied to a stake atop a raging inferno. The puritanical sort also occupy this position, led ironically enough by Mother Superior, that winged bastion of preachy hypocrisy whose position of moral superiority is spurious at best and at worst practically nonexistent considering her own nefarious deeds. In general, these sorts of people either believe the Evil Queen they are convinced she still is has Ruby under some sort of spell, or the other way round, namely that Ruby's wolf has somehow vexed the town's mayor with her ancient, elemental magicks.
They can't see that both of those possibilities are A person can't be made to love someone else, no matter what this world's fairy tales like to profess. The other side of the rift are the sane individuals Regina wishes all the rest would listen to. This side is one that has fully integrated into modern American society, having left behind the outdated socioeconomic and cultural mores of the old world, and only sees them as two women who fell in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together as they see fit. Amazingly enough, Snow spearheads that faction of Storybrooke, and that alone presented reason enough for Regina to rescind her vendetta not long after the Curse was broken.
While she will never forgive Snow for the role she played in Daniel's death, the way she's championed Regina's relationship with Ruby has earned her at least tolerance, and at best a modicum of respect. Unfortunately, that there are so many who question their reasons for being a couple at every turn is a thorn in Ruby's side. Being a hero has its pitfalls. Regina stopped caring a long time ago what people thought of her and her associations. Ruby is not immune like she is, though, to the bigotry and condescension.
One of the quickest ways to get her lanky werewolf's blood pressure up is to mention their relationship in a hostile or negative context. That's why it's Regina's go to tactic when she's itching for some conversational combat. It never fails to provoke Ruby into giving her what she wants. Tonight is no exception. It's beneath you," she says, staring down her nose through narrow eyes at her wife, whose complexion is flushed with an irritation that borders on fury. Three years the Curse has been lifted and still you refuse to acknowledge that.
It's time to wake up. They'll never accept us. And if you can't accept that , I have to wonder what the hell you're doing here!
Lookin' for Me Somewhere Lyrics
When Ruby flinches then stutters backwards as if Regina has punched her in the gut, she knows she's gone too far. Henry, it seems, thinks so too. To her hurt, he favors Ruby by compassionately grasping her shoulder while holding his other hand out to prevent his mother from physically comforting the spouse she's just verbally eviscerated. Reeling at her mistake as much as at Henry's betrayal, Regina defensively crosses her arms over her chest. She'd been willing to let Ruby's crass swearing slide as it is a bit more characteristic.
Henry wielding it is another story altogether. Henry breathes deeply as if to calm some internal monster rearing it's ugly head. You did teach me that my choice of words matter, but you know what else I learned from you? Villains do that, Mom. Is that what you are again? Tears prick at her lids, burning her eyes with as much intensity as the shame that immediately sears through her chest.
How had everything gone so wrong so quickly? Both are watching her warily, and with good reason. I have no legitimate excuse for what I said.